Those Damn Brats
by Agent47Rulz
Summary: Join in the adventures of Minato and Itachi, as they try to stop three year olds Naruto and Sasuke from hurting themselves, or face the wrath of Kushina and Mikoto.  Chapter 2: The Hokage tries his hands in the culinary arts, unaware of the horror that awaits him in the form of cuts, burns, pigeons, Uchihas, and mountains.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Notes: Hello everyone, and welcome to yet another one of my pointless humour stories, this one featuring the combined comedic effort of the goofy Minato and the emotionless Itachi. I hope you enjoy it._

Those Damn Brats Chapter 1

The sun is shining bright and birds chirp carefree as the scene sets on the wonderful Village Hidden in the Leaves. Inside the Uchiha compound, families walk together in joyous harmony, kids play tag on the streets, and cheerful shopkeepers urge potential buyers to browse their goods.

However, inside a large tree on the side of one of the many busy Uchiha streets, a pair of binoculars carefully surveyed all passersby, as the owner wore a constant frown, "I see you Uchihas...your not getting the best of me if you decide to go through with a coup detat."

Minato, brave shinobi and current Hokage of the great village sat cross-legged inside the tree, keeping a watch on all of the Uchihas who he just didn't trust. Suddenly he smirked as he continued to look at various families, "Hehe, stupid Uchihas. I've been coming back to this tree for days, and they are none the wiser. With my awesome, super, ninja skills it was a breeze to-" "Can I help you Hokage sir?"

Minato screamed as a monotonous voice from the tree's base broke him away from his self-praise and caused him to fall head first into the concrete below. A group of young woman walking by chuckled madly at the humourous scene of the Fourth Hokage laying in a daze on his back, one commenting about how "adorable" he was.

With his vision upside-down he glanced up from his position on his back and met the reversed form of 8 year old Itachi Uchiha. Any other kid would be laughing their butts off at this point, but Itachi simply stared emotionless as he waited for the village leader to compose himself and give a proper response.

"Grrr, way to go kid, you ruined my hiding spot!" Minato chastisted the kid, and it was at this time that the slightest inkling of a smile crossed Itachi's features, "Actually sir, we knew you were up their for the past few days, but we didn't want to disturb you because my father just chalked it up as you being weird. We Uchihas are very observant."

Minato's eyes widened as he continued to lay on his back, "Of course, that damn Sharingan!" Itachi gave a small sigh, "Actually sir we didn't use our sharingans to sense you, its just that it was obvious since your yellow afro, and Fourth Hokage robes were clearly visible."

The Fourth Hokage growled as he quickly got up and brushed himself off. However instead of leaving like Minato had expected, Itachi simply stood there and waited for acknowledgement, "Uh...was there something else kid?" Itachi nodded, "Yes Hokage sir, my mother wanted me to ask you what time I should be dropping off Sasuke so her and Mrs. Kushina can go to that spa in the Village Hidden in the Mist."

Minato eyes widened, "Wait, drop him off where?" Itachi looked at him like it was obvious, "At your home of course. Naruto is the only child that Sasuke seems to get along with, and Kushina said since my father is currently on a top secret mission for the compound, that you would be more then happy to baby-sit them for a few days."

The blondes mouth dropped open slightly as he processed the words, before quickly forming a rebuttel, "Oooh no, that Sasuke brat is a demon child, and the last time he slept over Naruto had to go to the hospital with second degree burns on his arms." Itachi nodded in understanding, "Yes, Sasuke did mention the incident with the ice cream stand and the twenty pounds of explosives. No matter, i'll simply inform my mother that you do not wish to give guardience to my brother, and she'll just have to tell Kushina that they can't go, and then-" "NO! I-I mean, that won't be neccesary."

Holy crap if Kushina was affected by this, Minato knew there would be severe hell to pay. Itachi bowed, "Thank you very much Hokage sir. Unfortunately I have shinobi classes throughout the day or I would offer to watch my brother myself. But I promise to check up on him after classes are finished at your humble home."

Minato sighed, "Great, two Uchiha brats in my house, this is gonna be fun" the Fourth muttered as he walked away, trying to salvage some diginity as he walked out from the Uchiha compound, and failing miserably due to the twigs and pebbles imbedded into the back of his hair.

The Fourth sighed as he opened up the door to his home, "Kuuushina!" he whined into the house, and recieved an answer from the bathroom, "What is it? I'm blowdrying my hair." The Hokage pouted as he entered the bathroom, "Why didn't you tell me I have to babysit Naruto and that Sasuke brat?"

Kushina humped as she turned towards him, "Listen here you whiner, I'm the one thats always taking care of Naruto while you go off on your 'secret Hokage missions' which involve spying on the entire Uchiha clan with a pair of binoculars!"

Minato stood agasp, "H-how did you know that?" Kushina put her hands on her hips, "Mikoto told me over a cup of coffee. She says its so cute, and that the rest of the clan find it hillarious that you think they can't see you. Well I'm definately not showing my face around that compound again, knowing I'm married to the compound stalker."

The Fourth was crestfallen, he would definately need to work on his stealth skills, "Bu-but" "But nothing! Mikoto offered to treat me to a nice three day spa trip to the Hidden Mist Village, and since you seem to have nothing better to do as Hokage then sign paperwork and sit in trees, I told her you would be happy to look after her little tike."

Slumping his shoulders, Minato walked out of the room in defeat, allowing Kushina to finish prepping herself to be pampered by all of the spa workers.

About an hour later as Kushina was finishing her makeup, their was a knock on the door, and Minato, with 3 year old Naruto firmly secured under his arm, answered it with a dull expression on his face, "Oh, hi Mikoto, Kushina should be right out" he muttered almost lifeless.

Mikoto smiled angeliclly, "Why thank you lord Hokage, I really admire you for watching little Sasuke and if you don't mind me saying so I find it positively adorable how you spend your free time" she cooed completely serious, and Minato growned as the Uchiha pinched his cheek like a grandmother would do to a five year old.

Suddenly Kushina appeared in the room, and as soon as Mikoto saw her, she pushed past the bewildered blonde and ran up to her friend, "OMG, like you are like soooo gorgeous!" "LMAO, I know I am, and so are you!"

Minato and Naruto stared silently at the two, as they jumped up and down with excitement, "ROFL, we should like, definately get going if we want to enjoy such an awwwwesome experience for all its worth!" Kushina gave a thumbs up, "Yep lets get going, lol!"

Throughout the conversation, Minato repeatidly attempted to raise a finger and ask something, but every time it was ignored by the increasingly excitable duo, before they raised out the door with a quick, "Bye Minato!"

As Minato stared at the retreating pair with his son, he sighed, "Women...never get married Naruto, they'll be the death of you. Speaking of which, where the hell did she stash that little Uchiha runt." "Right here sir" came a monotone voice from behind him, causing both blondes to jump out of their skin.

Quickly turning around, the Hokage glared at the emotionless Itachi, who held three year old Sasuke in his arms, "Stop sneaking up on me!" Itachi bowed before placing Sasuke on his feet, "I apologize Hokage sir, but unfortunately I am late for my shinobi classes and therefore must depart. Farewell." he murmmered before calmly vacating the household.

Minato scowled after his recedding form, "Weird little prick" he muttered before looking down at Sasuke, who glared up at him, "What the hell do you want?" he asked the child who continued to stare at him, "Why do you always hide in my neighbor"s tree?"

With a growl, the Fourth pushed the Uchiha over to his son, "Naruto, go take Sasuke to your room and play something, and it better not result in any explosions this time!" Little Naruto saluted his father, "Yes sir, Daddy-o!" he yelled happily as he took the forever glaring Sasuke out of the living room.

As soon as they were gone, the Hokage sighed as he fell back into one of the room's various chairs, "Aww man...this is gonna suck" he muttered to no-one in particular.

Inside Naruto's room, Naruto was busy digging into his toybox, as Sasuke boredly stood in the center of the room, "Lets see, wanna play with my Hashirama and Madara action figures?" he asked as he pulled them from the very bottom.

Sasuke humphed and looked at the only person he considered even remotely a friend, most likely because he was the easiest to manipulate into having crazy adventures, "No Naruto, I don't wanna play with them. I wanna have some 'real' fun" the Uchiha cooed darkly.

Naruto, not taking the hint pulled out a game board, "Monopoly?" Sasuke growled and smacked the game out of his hands, "No you dobe, I mean some grown up fun! Come on, lets find out where your dad keeps his teleportation kunai" he ordered and, hesitantly Naruto followed his friend from the room and into yet another crazy adventure.

_Author's Notes: Well there you have it, leave a quick review if you believe I should go on._


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Notes: I'll be honest I didn't think I was going to continue this, but I started getting back into Naruto for the time being and thought, 'eh, what the hell' lol. Well anyway, read and enjoy.

Those Damn Brats Chapter 2

It was that perfect time of day, when the evening was just on the horizon as the sun emitted it's deep orange hues. Birds still chirped happily from their nests in the trees, while at the same time the crickets just began their rounds of chirping as well.

Nestled inside The Village Hidden in the Leaves, the Uzumaki house was a modest one, especially for one with such a prestigious title as Minato himself. Believe him that wasn't a personal choce on the Yellow Flash's part to be sure. Oh no, the second Minato donned those Hokage robes he said he wanted out of the cozy little home he labeled a 'dump' and wanted to move his family into the luxorious Hokage Mansion located next to his office.

Of course that just had to piss Kushina off, who fell in love with their small yet efficent two story two bedroom house located near the base of mountains that contained the four Hokage monuments. Sure it was nice looking out the window every morning and gazing upon a gigantic stone replica of yourself in all of your awesome glory, but not when you had to walk five miles to work everyday as a result.

Currently the Uzumaki household was bathed in the warm hues of the setting sun, and all seemed peaceful except for the flickering of artifical light coming from the kitchen window. Inside, a small TV sat on the linolium counter close to the fridge, tuned into a show depicting a smiling man in a chef's hat giving step by step instructions on how to prepare a meal.

The chef had just finished pulling a bunch of rather tasty looking noodles out of boiling water and gently placed them into some chicken and miso soup. After adding in a few vegetables and fish cakes he breathed in the odor of his concotion and gave a satisfied sigh. He looked to the camera, "And there you have it. In just a few easy steps you too can make the perfect ramen dish."

He grabbed some nearby chompsticks and slurped up a few noodles, "Mmm, homemade ramen; delicious, simple, and fun to make."

"Like hell it is!" Minato screamed at the TV as he attempted to cut an assortment of vegetables laying on a small tabe in front of him. His noodles boiled on the stove behind him, and he couldn't help but feel slightly depressed at the way they looked thin and stringy compared to the chef's perfect ones on the Leaf Village's Food Network.

You couldn't really blame him though. Not only was this the first time he had ever attempted to cook ramen by himself, this was only the second time he had ever used a stove by himself. His first experience didn't go particularly well, what with the fire department being called and all, and since then Kushina had banned him from using any kitchen appliances without her supervision.

All he wanted to do was make a nice dinner for him and Naruto (and possibly give whatever scraps were left to that Uchiha brat), since Kushina wasn't here to cook it for them. He could feel his face heat up in embarassment as he remembered himself laying on the couch a few hours ago.

He had just awoken from a nice nap, dreaming of himself single-handedly taking on the entire Uchiha compound and felt his stomach rumbling. "Kuuuushinaaa I'm hungeryyyy" he cried patheticly for several moments before he remembered that she was gone for the next few days.

Next thing he knew he had flipped on the TV and was lucky enough to come upon the beginning of step by step instructions on how to create him and Naruto's favorite food. The jackass on the television made it seem so easy, but with flour decorating most of the kitchen, including his face, along with various pots, pans, spoons, knives, rolling pins, and egg shells littering the entire kitchen, he came to the conclusion that nothing in the world of culinary arts was easy or fun.

He had a newfound respect for the owner of Ichiraku Ramen as he continued to chop the asparagus, only to cut into the tip of his finger rather painfully. Wrenching back he let out a cry, however his eyes widened as he heard the sound of the boiling water flooding over the pot and hitting the flame with a harsh sizzling sound. "Shit" he groaned as he quickly grasped the handles of the metallic object, completely forgetting to use mittens.

If Minato thought cutting his finger was painful, he was in for a whole new meaning of the world as a thick jolt of currency ran from his hands, up his spinal cord, and finally came out of his mouth in the form of an agonizing screech. As he flailed around his burnt appendages he accidentaly collided them with the pot, spilling half cooked noodles and boiling water on the floor. Minato danced wildly as the hot water splashed around him, but was able to avoid any serious burns on his feet like he had just obtained on his hands.

"Son of a bitch!" he cried out for more reasons than one. Not only did his hands hurt RIDICULOUSLY bad, but he had just ruined his family's dinner which he had slaved over for the past fourty-five minutes. After wrapping his aching hands with paper towels he thrust open a drawer under a counter and produced a pen and a small piece of paper.

Grumbling incoherently to even himself, he wrote on the paper with much difficulty, 'To Ichiraku Ramen: Three orders of ramen with extra fish cakes for Hokage household.' Still muttering to himself the fourth Hokage folded up the piece of paper and stomped to his back door, throwing it open in annoyance as he walked over to a small pigeon coop in his backyard.

He knocked on the coop, "Chuckie, get out here" he demanded and soon enough a small carrier pigeon exited the hole of the coop and stared unamused at it's master. Minato carefully attached the folded note to a small collar on the bird's leg and held him up so they were face to face, "Take this note to Ichiraku's Ramen stand, and you better not add anything else to the order like last time."

The pigeon stared at him motionless for a few seconds before he lurched forward and poked the Fourth in the eye, "Yeouch! You little bastard!" Minato cried out as he feebly attempted to swat at the bird as it took flight, away from the Uzumaki household and what he prayed was towards the nearby ramen stand.

Minato sighed as he returned to his house, groaning at the mess in the kitchen we he was dreading cleaning up. Minato decided he would clean up later, and instead turned the stove back on, this time opting to heat up some dumplings that Kushina had prepared two days ago to go with his take-out.

With the dumplings simmering on a low temp, Minato parked his ass down on the couch with a satisfied moan. "Naruto, Uchiha brat, your dinner will be ready shortly!" he called to the back room. He didn't recieve a response and figured the kids were either taking a nap or were currently fixated on one of their little kid games.

After about twenty minutes of lounging around on the couch the doorbell rang and a sleepy Minato slugged to the front door and slowly pulled it open, "Here's a twenty, just leave the bags on the counter. No tip" he moaned in daze, a twenty ryo bill in his hand as he soon gazed confused at the empty space in front of him.

Looking left and then right, he opted for looking down and was met with a slightly confused, yet still for the most part emotionless Itachi. "I beg your pardon Hokage sir, but I am unaware of what you are conveying to me." Minato's eyes widened as he attempted to process the fact that not only was his food not here, but there was another Uchiha at his door.

As Minato gawked at him, Itachi slowly reached up and attempted to take the money being presented to him for reasons he did not understand, only for it to be yanked away at the last second as his Hokage growled at him, "The hell are you doing here kid?!" he yelled in anger.

Itachi seemed unfazed as he looked up at Minato, "My shinobi classes are done for the day, so I am obligated to check in on my younger sibling if that is satisfactory for you Lord Hokage." Minato could feel his eye twitch, but decided to say nothing. After all, despite despising Uchihas, this weird little kid was about the only person who still treated him with the proper respect of his title in this whole God forsaken village.

"Whatever, just make it quick and buzz off." he muttered as he retreated back into his house, eight year old Itachi following suit. Stepping into the kitchen Itachi paused as he observed the chaos that was Minato's cooking attempts. "Were you under attack Lord Hokage?" Itachi questioned in seriousness, gazing upon the overturned pots along with the flour which caked this entire half of the house.

Minato gritted his teeth and reminded himself that there were serious repercussions for decking an eight year old as he looked over to the back room, "Hey Uchiha brat, your robot brother is here!" The two waited in silence for several seconds, but upon getting no response yet agagin, Minato sighed and headed for Naruto's bedroom.

"Wait here" he told Itachi who simply nodded and decided to pass his time by looking out the kitchen window. Minato walked up and knocked on Naruto's door, "Hey kids, get out here" he stated, rather frustrated as he heard his stomach rumbling. He quickly wondered where Chuckie and that damn delivery person were before throwing open his son's door and was greeted with nothing but an empty room littered with toys.

After a quick search he then popped his head into his and Kushina's room, "Naruto? Sasuke?" he whispered rather worridly into his bedroom, before quickly retreating back into the hallway, not noticing that the mahogony box where he stashed his prized teleportation kunai was open and empty.

He powerwalked back to the kitchen, trying to keep his composure as Itachi continued to stare out the window. "Where the hell did those damn kids get to?" he asked more to himself than the Uchiha in front of him.

Unfortunately it was the Uchiha who answered, "Lord Hokage sir, I believe I discovered where my sibling and your offspring are located" he stated with a little bit more emotion then Minato had ever heard come out of his mouth.

Minato raised an eyebrow as the boy pointed out the window towards the mountainside, however when he walked up his eyes nearly bulged out of his skull at the sight of Naruto and Sasuke on top of Hashirama's stone head on the mountain.

'AAAH! NARUTO!" Minato cried as he took a step back and dove through the window, taking off for the mountains. Although Itachi was just as alarmed he decided to be rational and use the front door.

However as he threw open the door he was greeted by a greasy looking man wearing an apron and paper hat, holding a bag of steaming hot food. "How ya doin" he stated through puffs of his cigarette, "I got your order of three ramens and a side of fried bird seed right here. That'll be eighteen ryos."

Itachi raised an eyebrow, feeling slightly uncomfortable as the man held out his hand for payment, "Uh..."


End file.
